1
Near Life Experience
He stood in front of a white light. It floated in front of him without shape or definition. This was, until he began to focus hard. When he did, the light started to take form in front of him. Slowly, carved out of the endless light, was a man probably in his thirties who looked much older. His pants pulled up too far, and draped in a tweed suit. Despite the terrible dress and appearance, he had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth and still looked like he was better than everyone.
Later, he would come to know the man as James Rockford, a fictional character on a seventies T.V. show.
James looked down at himself confused by his appearance. “Really? The Rockford Files?”
The man looked at himself and he was a frumpy white man of age thirty. He was wearing jeans that didn’t quite fit him and a Hawaiian print button up shirt. On top of his head was a black fedora.
“Who are you? Who am I? What the fuck am I wearing?” The man asked.
Rockford smiled, “I am the higher power which governs the regulation of life. I am in the form of James Rockford because your brain will eventually worship this person, which is incredibly sad, really. You’re going to be born seven years after the show premiered?”
The man still looked confused.
The higher power started again. “You are Zachariah Raymond Van Sluyters, or at least you are about to be. As for what you are wearing, well the person you see in front of you is the gnarled, sarcastic, know-it-all, prick you are going to become thirty years from now.”
The man nodded and looked down at himself. “This is me in thirty years? At least I dress well.”
The higher power shook his head. “Trust me kid, no one else will think so. Anyway this is all kind of an ‘if’ situation.”
Zach raised an eyebrow and returned his gaze to the higher power. “What’s an ‘if’ situation?”
The higher power took a drag off his smoke then blew it into the air, “Well you are currently dead.”
Zachariah frowned, “I’m dead?”
The great life-giver, James Rockford nodded. “Yep, the doctor screwed it all up and shot your mom up with enough painkillers to kill an elephant. She’s dead and so are you.” He looked at his watch. “Going on two minutes now.”
“Well fuck me. I don’t want to be dead!” Zachariah said desperately, something in his metaphysical brain telling him he wanted to be alive.
“It ain’t that easy kid.” The higher power said. “You have some bad shit ahead of you,”
Zachariah shook his head. “What do you mean? Bad enough to wish I was never born?”
Rockford nodded. “That’s right, you’re actually going to say that in one way or another over…” Rockford took a small notepad out of his pocket and flipped through it stopping on one page in particular, “…357 times.”
Zachariah was taken aback, “Really? That is a lot. Did I get raped or enslaved or something?”
The higher power shook his head. “No not at all, your parents are just kind of jack asses. Your dad turns out to be a mentally abusive dick who fucks your priorities up for the first half of your life.”
“What about my mom?” Zachariah asked. “Why doesn’t she protect me from him? Does she not come back?”
“Oh she comes back,” Rockford says. “But she comes back a wack-a-loon. Of course, this is going to lead you to believe that it’s all your fault. So, when your dad leaves you’re going to take it upon yourself to protect them, but you’re young and you miss out on the normal white male adolescences, like the football team, racism, and of course date rape. This tweaks you out a little.”
Zachariah shrugged. “Well, that doesn’t seem too bad? I mean, it’s not great but not worth all that bitching.”
James shrugged. “Well, you bitch a lot. Did I forget to mention that.”
Zachariah frowned. “Hey, easy chief. Aren’t you supposed to be talking me into choosing life or something?”
James scuffed at him, “Do I look like the ghost of Christmas past or something? I’m not here to teach you a lesson, I’m here to give you a choice, get you to make it, and get it over with so I can go back to fucking angels.”
“You fuck angels?!” Zachariah asked, confused.
“Of course not!” Rockford was angry. “I am the force of creation which is so powerful I’m beyond your comprehension. I don’t even have genitals!”
“But I see you right now? That’s comprehension, right?” Zachariah asked.
The higher power sighed loudly. “No, because you don’t see me, you see James Garner as Jim Rockford. Your brain is trying to process the vast information in front of it and it is doing so by filtering it into a way you can understand.”
Zachariah seemed to think about this. “So you only way I can comprehend you, is by making you into an old, barely remembered character from a cancelled seventies detective show?”
James nodded, “Yep, you kinda suck.”
Zachariah seemed depressed. James looked at his watch. “Time’s almost up, so is it crap life and no fashion sense or back to the pool of life?”
Zachariah frowned. “Is there anything good that comes of my existence?”
James looked through his notes again, searching finally on the back page he found the pros and read them.
“What? What is it?” Zachariah asked, desperately.
“Well, your parents have one more kid before everything goes south, and he’s pretty awesome. And mind you, this is with absolutely no help from you, in fact you kinda hurt more than helped.”
Zachariah was frowning. “Okay, I suck. I got it!”
The higher power shrugged. “Sorry about that. Yeah he becomes amazing, good job, great girl on his arm, and he looks good too. You get to watch that.”
“That’s my big pay off?” Zachariah said, angrily. “That’s all I have to look forward to?!”
The higher power shrugged. “Well to be fair for some reason I can only see twenty-four years into you future, which is weird. It might get better. I’m not sure.”
“You know what? I think I will pass on the whole life thing.” Zachariah decided.
The higher power frowned. “Really? I mean, you also become an alcoholic? Sure you want to miss that?”
Zachariah became sarcastic, “Oh geez, how could I pass that up?”
“Alright, life pool it is.” Rockford reached for Zachariah.
Zachariah remembered one other thing.
“Wait!” Zachariah said loudly, sticking his hand out to stop Rockford.
Zachariah then unzipped his pants, pulled them down and inspected.
“Huh.” Zachariah said surprised
James garner seemed to nod approval.
“On second thought,” Zachariah smiled, “I’m gonna give this a chance.”
*****
2005
He watched their car pull down and out of the driveway. At twenty four years old Zachariah Van Sluyters should have been happy to have the house to himself.
He wasn’t.
Three months ago, Zachariah had broken off his engagement with long time girlfriend (for the sake of the story) Lilly. He had never really been in love with Lilly, more in love with the idea of getting the fuck out of his mom’s house, so he had used her to do that not having enough money to do it on his own.
After getting out he had realized he had needed her to stay afloat and had summarily stayed with her in the loveless situation. This was, of course, until he fell in love with her best friend… and well, the rest of the story is elementary.
He had walked away from his future wife and alienated his love. In the process he had to move back into the basement of his father’s house. His father was married to a lunatic, in comparison with Zachariah’s mother it seemed he had a type, who would flirt with Zachariah when his father wasn’t around.
It had been a great year.
Now, Zachariah watched the happy couple depart on a weeklong vacation to Michigan. He would be all alone in their Mantua (pronounced man-a-way, fucked up Italian spelling) house. A beautiful two-story house, tucked away in a forest.
Zachariah should have been excited about this, but he was not. He just felt alone with his self-hatred.
Wow, Jim Rockford had called it.
Zachariah began to walk down the grassy hill to the side of the house where his front door was, when he saw her standing there.
About ten feet away, in front of the door, stood a sturdy built woman with bright red, almost orange hair. It was frizzy and wild and curling around her face like fire. She wore tight, form-fitting jeans that showed off her powerful legs and a white tank top, which revealed her sports bra. Her arms where covered with tattoos which looked Celtic.
Zachariah felt a stirring. “I really hope you’re not lost.”
From behind, her she pulled a long sword that was the size of her arm. The blade was thin but wide. Leading to the hilt, which looked like something out of a pirate movie, was beautiful, gold-laced hand protection.
“Come with me if you want to live.” She said, as she brought the sword point towards Zachariah, her voice only slightly tainted with an Irish accent.
Zachariah raised his eyebrow. “Terminator?”
She suddenly looked confused. “What?”
“The line ‘come with me if you want to live.’ It’s from Terminator.” Zachariah explained.
She shook her head. “I have never seen it.”
“You have never seen Terminator? I call bullshit.” Zachariah said.
“I don’t have time for movies!” She almost yelled, getting angry.
“Apparently, you don’t have time for creativity either.” Zachariah rolled his eyes.
“Are you insane?” The woman was thoroughly angered. “You meet a strange woman brandishing a sword in front of your house, who informs you are in danger and all you can do is insult her choice of words?!”
Zachariah seemed to think about this. “You may have a point there.”
That is when they came from the trees….
The Ninjas.
The NINJAS!
Next Week- Will Zachariah be killed by the strange woman with complete lack of originality, or will the ninjas do it? Does anyone care about the plot or do we just want Zachariah to finally shut up?
Find out Next week!
Stranger Things
TO BE CONTINUED…
